Costco vs. Sam's

Happy Monday!  Hope you guys had a great weekend.  Mine was spent working out, hanging out, going shopping and cooking up a freakin storm on Sunday.  On the menu for this week:

• Jamie Eason's turkey muffins - SO YUMS!
• Jamie Eason's cinnamon swirl protein bread
• pork and squash soup
• hard boiled eggs
• shredded baked chicken breast
• enough lettuce to last three weeks - or in my case, several days

Working out
Remember I mentioned the boyfriend and I were checking out a new training facility and possibly a new trainer?  Well, we did on Saturday.

Anthony and I got to EC Fitness and my first thoughts:  I love the space!!  It's floor-to-ceiling windows, roomy, CLEAN, and since they limit the amount of people training to 3 max... it really is personal training.  Anthony and I had the entire facility to ourselves!

Basically, everything I hate about training with a trainer at the gym is gone - no waiting for machines/equipment, no feeling intimidated about who might be watching me - and everything I love about training with a trainer is still there - one-on-one attention, motivation, customized program, the wealth of knowledge.

Since Trainer E used to work with my current trainer, Trainer L, at the gym, E knows his style of training and can compliment the training or do something totally different... it's completely up to me.

Well, I'm sure I don't have to tell you guys, but I signed up... for an intro price of 5 sessions for $100,  you TOTALLY can't beat that.  And the best part... Anthony bought a trainer package as well!!!  YAY!

Shopping

Why do we - Anthony and I, a household of two people - need membership to Costco AND Sam's Club?

9 lbs. of chicken breast, egg whites, almond milk...

... 5 dozen eggs (!!!)...

... 5 lbs. of blueberries...

Tip: rinse them in a 1:10 ration white vinegar to water.  No mold!

... bananas, clementines...

... spinach, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, strawberries, Greek yogurt and even more blue berries.

That's why!

Weigh-in Wednesday and total randomness

Starting weight:  176.4

Last week month weight:  133.0

Current weight:  129.6

Current loss:  -3.4

TOTAL LOSS:  -46.8 lbs.

LowestWeightSinceHighSchool!!!!!  LowestWeightOnThisJourney!!!!

Between my trip earlier this month, Valentine's Day, the GAR, and not seeing my trainer for over three weeks, I'm super happy with that!  

I've stayed away from the scale at home as much as possible because I knew I was eating all kinds of crazy over the last several weeks, but had to face it today… just out of curiosity.  My mindset has been "eye on the prize" since last week so I knew the scale wouldn't dictate my emotions no matter what it said.

After fighting pretty damn hard - intense trainings, HIIT, started powerlifting, race trainings, and dieting - for the last several months, I was tired.  Physically.  Mentally.  And emotionally.  I needed a break and my body knew it, so over the last three weeks, I did just that.  

I had a chance to reevaluate why I'm on this journey and where I want it to go.  

So last week, after the GAR race (and after my legs healed from being sore), I got right back into the swing of things.

I started a new 12 week weight-lifting program courtesy of my girl-crush Jamie Eason.

I found a virtual workout and accountability buddy in Tiff, from Miles in Murray.

I took two hours out of Sunday to prep all my meals for this week.

And my March goals are being finalized as you read this.

Woot woot!! 
__________________________________________________________

Total randomness.  Check out this little, totally legit, car.  Yup, car... not ATV or Power Wheels... actual car.  Well actually it's a type of electric car but still super cute.  It's modified to look like a Cadillac Escalade... PIMP!

Coming clean about the HCG diet

I'm on Maui right now but here's something interesting (I hope):

The other week I posted about some accomplishments I've made on this journey and I think the one that most people picked up on (and wrote to me about) was the mention of the HCG diet. 

I don't consider this an accomplishment at all but it was a huge lesson learned... the hard way.

(source)

What is it?

The first thing you should know, is that the FDA has made the HCG "homeopathic" diet products illegal as of December 2011.  Read here for the report.

If you don't know what the HCG diet is, educate yourself here with the literature from the Dr. who started it all.  But basically, it's a very low-calorie, super strict, diet that incorporates human chorionic gonadotrophin (HCG) through drops or injections. 

Supposedly HCG makes your body use up fat like there's no tomorrow... on average 1 lb a day!  But come one people, a 500-calorie/day diet will make you lose weight no matter what!

Why did I do it?
After being fed up with my weight-loss plateau, I needed something to kick the last 20 lbs to the curb.  I did a ton a research and even though I knew trying a fad diet was stupid, there was a lot of people who had great success with HCG. 

I bought the drops, read the instruction manual, started an HCG blog to document my progress and hoped for the best.

What were my results?
I lost about 12 lbs in 3 weeks, which put me at 127 lbs... but at what cost?  I was grumpy, starving, weak, and moody during those weeks and I stopped all exercise (because the protocol calls for very little activity). 

The worst part?

I regained those 12 pounds within a month plus an extra 20 lbs, putting me back up at 160!  And I understand the regain might not have been HCG's fault entirely, but if it was the miracle weight-loss diet I was hoping for, wouldn't HCG be making headlines like crazy?

What were my consequences?
Too many to list but basically any regret you could have about regaining weight... ten-fold! 

I know it's common for people to lose weight then regain it, but I felt like I failed 10x more because I regained my weight in a stupid way... by trying a diet I knew was dangerous. 

My self-confidence fell, I was so embarrassed about the way I looked, I didn't want to eat right and exercise any more, and I just hated myself for trying HCG even though I knew it wasn't healthy!!  In fact, I felt way better about myself at my heaviest than I did with the regained weight.

What did I learn?
Relosing the weight has made me that much stronger on this journey and I've realized a lot of things I missed the first time I lost the weight.

Simply put, nothing trumps good nutrition and exercise.  And now I know it for a fact. 

"But being healthy is too hard!"

Lunch time at my office has become somewhat of a circus.  My office is right next to the kitchen so I hear everything that goes on and being that we're still in the New Year resolution "high", a lot of talk has been health/food/weight-loss talk.  It's amazing, and a little sad, how much "old school" information - Atkin's Diet, 'fat buring zone', Richard Simmons (!!) - I hear being passed around in that kitchen.

What's even worse is that people have noticed that I've been losing weight so they stop in to see what I'm eating for lunch... E.V.E.R.Y  S.I.N.G.L.E  D.A.Y!

A lot of times this food-stalking leads to small talk and the inevitable question, "How are you doing it?"

When I answer them,  they can't believe that I watch my food portions, count calories, monitor my macro-nutrients, make it a priority to get in my workouts, etc.  Most people tell me "That's crazy!" or "It's too hard to do all that".

Really, people?  REALLY?!?! 

 You're telling me it's too hard to make an effort to be more active or watch what you eat? 

Isn't it harder living with joint pain?

Isn't it harder to be uncomfortable in your skin?

Isn't it harder to get around in the world?

Isn't it harder to keep having to take medication on top of medication to keep your cholesterol/blood pressure in check?

Trust me, it's much easier living healthy than it is to be overweight.  Or in my case, obese (by America's standard BMI chart).

 5'0" and 176 lbs = BMI of 35 = OBESE!

I  always tell my food-stalker co-workers that they don't have to do things the way I do.  I do things the way I do because it worked for me.  They still brush off the information as if it's something they will never do... like they were expecting me to tell them that I take some kind of magic pill.  One co-worker even said, "Damn it! So exercise and diet actually work?  I guess I should listen to my doctor".

I say give exercise and healthy eating a one month chance.

I did back in 2008.  In one month I lost 10 pounds and I haven't looked back.

F.A.I.L.U.R.E

I find myself once again struggling with this journey.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why this time around it's so hard to do. I know the system - eating right and exercising - works and I know how to do it AND I've done it before.  I have all the resources and time I need to get it done - yet I just cannot get myself motivated like I was before.

For me the hardest part is controlling the eating.  All day I'm on track but once I get home it all goes to hell!  I keep telling myself the same thing almost every afternoon:

"I'll really start watching my nutrition tomorrow.  Today I'll enjoy this piece of cake now and pizza for dinner since I won't be seeing that kind of food for a while."

Saying and doing this every afternoon keeps the weight on even with exercise because it basically undoes all the "good work" I've done in the beginning of the day.  I've been getting really frustrated and upset with myself so I really want to figure out why I act like this.  You know how you gain all these positive things when you lose weight - self-confidence, happiness, determination, success - well you lose them all when you gain the weight back.  So this is definitely part of the problem. And I think another part of it is because I feel like a failure.

Pun intended!

Because I lost the weight once and was able to maintain it, I feel like a complete failure that I've gained back half of it.  Yeah, it's better than having gained back all + some, but I can't get my mind around the fact that I failed.

Failed at something I was so passionate about.  

Failed at something I thought was a permanent lifestyle change.  

Failed at becoming healthier.

Failed at something I knew I deserved.

It's been almost two months since I knew about my class reunion this summer and I haven't lost a single pound.  How do I get around this "failed" mind-set?!

A post I wrote almost a year and a half ago sums it up nicely.  And now I'm living it:

My greatest fear is becoming who I was at my heaviest weight.

Unhappy
Unhealthy
Unfit
Unattractive

I've been there, done that, so to go back to something I hated will only make it ten times worse. Imagine being in the darkest, scariest place you can think of. Imagine working hard everyday to get yourself out of that hellhole and how happy you are to finally be out. Now imagine you (and only you!) willingly let yourself walk through the door back into that dark place... not because you want to go back, but because you choose to go back. How do you feel?

EXACTLY!

I've worked my tail off to get healthy again and if I let myself go back to who I was, it'll make me feel even worse!

And for even sadder news...

Nothing weight-related but probably a lot more important than my contributions to this blog:

Today, September 1, marks the start of the annual dolphin slaughters in Taiji, Japan.  Thousands and thousands of dolphins will be rounded up, killed inhumanely, slaughtered and sold for meat.  If you watch Animal Planet of Discovery Channel, they broadcasted the Academy Award Nominee, The Cove, this past weekend and let's just say I was sick and heart-broken watching the entire movie (which was the first movie to bring this horrible slaughter to the public's eye).

Probably the most f*cked up part (besides the slaughter itself) is that before the killings take place, dolphin trainers from aquariums/ocean parks come down and take the best/strongest specimens for their tanks and basically turn a blind eye to what's going to happen to the rest of the dolphins.  WTF?!

Anyway, here's a celebrity-filled commercial for The Cove:

Who gives a crap?!

So... remember last week when I said I was going to be back over the weekend to update everyone about what I've been doing?

FAIL!

This weekend I was busy and barely had time to get on the computer so that's my excuse for no update.  As far as being M.I.A. this month... that's a different story.  I was trying to stay busy - mentally and physically - and not think about anything related to weight-loss.  Well it's been working... sorta.

The good news: Although I'm out of the 120's and back in the 130's, I've been maintaining low 130-status for the entire month of June and that's with low-intensity workouts (Insanity gets thrown in every so often for a change) and not being crazy strict about my nutrition.  I haven't counted a single calorie since May and instead of putting all my focus on eating this much protein, this much carbs, and this much fat, I just ate.  ANYTHING! Focusing on portion control was the most important thing to me and it worked well.

The bad news: I just don't care anymore!  I don't know what it is, if I've hit some type of wall, but I just don't care about this "life-style change".  I'm not completely happy with my body but looking back at where I started from... I'll take it damn it!  I've lost 25% of my starting weight... a fricken quarter of myself... which comes out to almost 45 lbs.  45 lbs. is a pretty big deal!

Like I said, I'm not 100% happy with myself, but I'm sick of making exercise and proper nutrition my LIFE!  Not just sick... SSSSOOOOOOOO  SICK!

I'm sick of waking up every morning and feeling anxiety about making today a good day.

I'm sick of looking at everything that goes in my mouth as good or evil. 

I'm sick of seeing lists of things I can/cannot do to be healthy.

I'm sick of talking about weight-loss.

I'm sick of writing about weight-loss.

I'm sick of reading about weight-loss.

I'm sick of feeling like shit for not reaching my goals!

I'm sick of stressing about who I'm becoming with these compulsive natures!

I can't even remember who I was before starting to lose weight!

What did I talk about?

What did I think about?

What did I do before all this started?

Besides the obvious answers to the last question (some obvious answers: eat like a pig, sit on my ass all day, not give a damn about how I looked or felt) I seriously can't remember what my life was like pre-life-style change.  How sad is that?

Don't take this post the wrong way... it's not a pity post and I'm not giving up in any way, shape or form, but something needs to change.  I'm beginning to resent food, exercise, and people who have reached and surpassed their health goals.  To tell you the truth, even the bogs I follow are losing their inspiration NOT because the people writing them are not inspiring (OMG they are!) but because I'm losing my motivation for this whole thing.  Something needs to change... and quickly, too!

So now I'm pissed

You know, I just cannot believe the kind of support that happens in this blogging community... it's absolutely priceless and if I could, I'd give you all a great big hug!

(source)

I hope you all know that I don't write self-pitty posts to get attention or to make everyone feel bad for me.  I write them because it's something that happens to me and this is MY journey and MY blog so I'll write whatever the hell I want!

I got an anonymous comment on yesterday's post that said:

"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS WRITE ABOUT THE CRAPPY THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOU? GET OVER IT! IT'S NO WONDER YOUR STILL FAT.  YOU DON'T LOSE WEIGHT BY STUFFING YOUR FACE AND THEN CRYING ABOUT IT."

  Yeah... so now I'm pissed!

I know a lot of bloggers don't like to write the self-pitty post and I never understood that... I write them all the time (obviously!).  My comment to someone who writes about a shitty day and then apologizes about writing about it always goes along the lines of:

"This is your journey and your documentation of something that's not only important to you, but is life changing.  Don't let what others think have any effect on how you feel.  I use my own blog to chronicle not only my physical health, but emotional as well because that's just as important.  Plus, going back and seeing how one bad day affected my entire week is motivating and kinda powerful... so write what you wanna write! It's your journey!"

  So to you, Mr. Chicken-shit Anonymous Commenter, get a life and stop crapping on mine.  I assume you have the "solution" to perfect health and fitness or you wouldn't be able to say the things you did and if it's true that you are perfect in your journey, then please make yourself un-anonymous because I would really like to meet you and find out what that "solution" is.  Seriously... you will be my hero! I'll be waiting for your response in my mailbox...

(source)

SERIOUSLY?!

Seriously.... SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! 
I'm so disgusted with myself... not even a great new low weight is enough motivation for me to stick to plan!  Right before I wrote this, I literally just finished off some of these:

I'm not even a sweets kinda person but knowing I can't have these makes me want them EVEN MORE!!!  Total I had:

a snickers

a handful of M&M's

a chocolate almond truffle

a white chocolate chip cookie

... and I want to go back for more!

Seriously... why is it that if we can't have it, 

it makes us want it even more?

Well I guess now's a good time to tell you that when I say "can't have it", I mean can't have it or I blow my entire weight-loss plan right now.  Currently I'm on a very strict 30-day nutrition plan that can/will totally back-fire if you stray off protocol and guess what... I just went off protocol.  Damn it!

That's a wall!

Yesterday I had my last PT session till August and it was crazy! Not just crazy... C.R.A.Z.Y!

I had a long day at work and pretty much only ate lunch (meant to make breakfast when I got to work but you know how it gets) so by the time the afternoon rolled around, I was ready to call it a day but NOOOOOO... had to go to the gym still.

Started out with a nice 20 minute brisk walk on the treadmill as my warm up, then headed to see my PT.

60 minutes of full body conditioning + plyo + not enough energy = hitting the wall harrd

This is the first time I really experience what you Beachbody veterans call boinking (or is it bonking - I can't remember). About halfway through my workout, right in the middle of my vertical jumps/skaters/plyo lunge sequence, I hit it.... the wall. It's like someone literally flipped a switch and I was out! I just coudln't move my body how I wanted to and there went my form and execution on all my exercises. Even my PT asked what' s up. After taking it down a notch, the 60 minutes were up BUT the boyfriend picked up a shift yesterday so I had to walk home from the gym. It's a short walk, about 30 minutes, but I was just so drained I seriously didn't think I could. Luckily it was raining a little bit so that kept me "refreshed".

Never again will I attempt a serious workout with not enough fuel in me.

But on the plus side, I've been back at nutrition and exercise for the last several days and we all know that for me, that's amazing!! Keep it up! KEEP IT UP!!!

1 bad meal = f*cked for the day?!

Umm... so what is about me that if I mess up my nutrition in one meal, it goes to my head and makes me wanna just give up for the rest of the day?

One piece of chocolate = eating like crap for the rest of the day
(and most other times means throwing out the idea of exercise too!)

That seems so stupid, yet that's how I am! And from what other people blog about, that's how a lot of people are. I just don't understand how that works.

I mean if I accidentally go over my monthly financial allowance (yes-I'm talking dollars here, not calories), I don't say, "F*ck it! I'm gonna spend twice as much next month and not save anything!!!!!" One month of overspending a little bit won't kill me as long as I adjust my next months expenses. I know this. YOU know this. The logic is so darn simple!

So why in God's good name, does it all fly out the window when it comes to my health?

Instead of messing up and just having one bad meal, that one bad meal leads to one bad day. Then that one bad day leads to feeling guilty and affects the next day... and the next day... and the next. Uuuggghhhh.... and it usually doesn't stop unless I get my spark of motivation back which can sometimes take weeks!

I've been at this for almost two years... I KNOW it's one day at a time, one meal at a time. I KNOW it doesn't make a difference to loathe in my guilt. I KNOW I just need to get back on it the next day, hell even the next meal. I KNOW all these things yet all still easier said than done. Why why WHY?!

Can I get a fatter version of P90X please

Yesterday I threw in P90X+ Intervals and I proved to myself that my mind is stronger than my body... and not in a good way. For those who don't know, the P90X+ Interval routine is made up of 15 cardio/strength/plyo moves that have three 20-second speeds: slow, medium, and killer.

(source)

So I'm going through the routine but towards the middle of the dvd, I realize I'm stopping about half-way through the last killer 20 seconds not because I'm wasted and exhausted, but because my mind tells me I can't do it.

I see Tony and his two assistance - one of which is a skinny chick with killer abs - and it's just intimidating to me. I never realized this before. Then it starts getting into my head:

I can't keep up with them, they're so fit!
And I'm not.
If they get winded, I should be lying on the floor passed out because they're so fit!
And I'm not.
If it's hard for them, I can't possible finish cause they're so fit!
And I'm not.

Uhh... can I get the P90X with fat people in it so I know I have a better chance of keeping up?

Over and over for each exercise. And seriously I would stop just because my mind thought I couldn't do it not because I physically couldn't do it. The weird thing is this doesn't happen to me when I do P90X plyo and to me that's a much harder workout. Maybe it's because the girl in the plyo dvd doesn't look that intimidating... she's not fat by any definition, but she has more muscle and meat on her bones so I feel I can keep up with her better... she doesn't have that "perfect" fitness model look. I don't know what it is, just an interesting thing I noticed.

Rant and self-pity party over!

What is a "cheat day" anyway?

I subscribe to a few 'tips and tricks' newsletters that relate to health and fitness and I found this article interesting and so TRUE! It was emailed to me last week but I only got around to writing about it today. It's an article from a daily newsletter called Diet and Nutrition by Everyday Health and it totally put a "cheat day" into perspective.

The diet mentality says we are either on a diet or off a diet, or that if we eat something fun it is "cheating." This state of mind has proven time and time again to result in failure; just ask anyone who has struggled with weight. But year after year, some new, self-proclaimed diet expert writes a book that promotes this type of thinking because the idea of "cheating" or eating "forbidden" foods is alluring — and marketable.

The truth, however, is that for more than 40 years, medical centers across the country have promoted a lifestyle-change approach to weight loss that says there are no foods that are off-limits. So there's no need to beat yourself up for "cheating" and certainly no need to plan "cheat days."

According to this lifestyle-change philosophy, you eat according to a plan that does not eliminate foods from your diet. You simply choose nutritionally balanced, whole foods that help you control hunger, include some of your favorite (and perhaps less balanced) foods on occasion so you don't feel deprived, and always practice appropriate portion control. If you love chocolate cake, for example, then occasionally put it in your plan and enjoy it. Just balance that out with other healthy choices and, of course, stay active.

This approach gets rid of the guilt created by negative words like "cheating" or "going off your diet" and gives you the power to include your favorite foods within a sensible plan. This way of eating can last a lifetime; diets do not.

Last Updated: 07/21/2008
Weight-loss expert Dr. Martin Binks answers your questions on emotional eating, behavioral health, and weight issues. Dr. Binks is a clinical director and CEO of Binks Behavioral Health PLLC and assistant professor in the Division of Medical Psychology, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Duke University Medical Center.

And it just so happens that one of my favorite bloggers, Jen @ Prior Fat Girl (who's having a giveaway right now!), wrote about a very similar topic last week. Click here to read her take on "falling off the wagon".

Day 16-20/30: Need your opinon

Again... nothing that exciting this weekend with regards to the 30-day Surprise PT Challenge, but here's a recap of what I did and how it went. Plus, I need your opinion about clothes sizing at the end of this post!! WARNING: Lots 'o eating ahead!!:

Thursday, Day 16/30
Diet-wise pretty on track for Thursday.

I decided to hit the gym to do my cardio only because my workout buddy wanted to go. And what happened when I got there? Did my cardio for almost an hour and a half and my workout buddy still wasn't at the gym. Come to find out he was running really late so he didn't even get there till I was back home. Good thing I didn't wait around for him to show!

Friday, Day 17/30
And let the feasting begin! Friday started a horrible weekend of eating, which didn't end till Monday! Today I was pretty on track until dinner time... had a 600-calorie Costco chicken back! So good but so bad!

After dinner I hit the gym with my workout buddy again (who showed up this time!) and we did a full body workout with some cardio for a total of an hour and half at the gym. I absolutely love Friday nights at the gym because it's so empty! I easily got on (and wasn't intimidated by) the assisted pull-up machine! I just love it!

Saturday, Day 18/20
Day 2 of the horrible eating: went out for lunch and had ramen with Anthony... so good but SO full of sodium. Tonight for dinner I had a peanut butter, honey and banana sandwhich which I sprinkled with my chocolate protein shake... SO YUMMY!!! If I had stopped eating there I would have been golden but NOOOOOOO... after Anthony got off of work we decided to grab food. So my second dinner of the day was spaghetti w/ meat sauce and garlic bread. Talk about bad choices.

Earlier that day I spent about 2-hours shopping by myself. I don't consider this exercising but wish I did because I only got in about 30 minutes on the elliptical at home. Anyway, shopping was awesome and I found some stuff that I'm really excited about!

I haven't talked about it, ever, but I have a slight obsession with fitness magazines, namely Oxygen. I love their straight-forward advice and awesome fitness/nutrition programs! Well they come out with yearly specials and normally I don't get them (Abs special, glutes special, etc.) but just the other day they came out with their first ever 'Off the Couch' special and I really wanted to get it. This special edition of Oxygen is like their motivation special. Tons of stories and advice from real women who lost the weight, got super fit, and have kept the weight off! I've only started reading through it but so far, like any other Oxygen mag, I L.O.V.E. it! Also picked up my other fave mag, Clean Eating. Also bought me a pair of size 2 motivational jeans. I usually don't support buying clothes in smaller sizes in hopes of fitting into it, but see end of post for more details.

Sunday, Day 19/30
Day 3 of horrible eating: more ramen for dinner and a sweet potato tapioca sundae! That's all I need to say about that!

Monday, Day 20/30
Day 4 of horrible eating: ramen (again!) for lunch and a Cinnabon minibon for dessert. I'm sorry, was I trying to lose weight again? I think I forgot!

Today I spent the day at my parents' house going through old clothes and things in preparation of a garage sale this weekend. It was like going shopping since I could actually fit into some of the clothes again! I only kept a handful of tops but it felt so good to try them on and fit them. I also found my high school prom dresses (which I didn't even think to try on) but when I looked at the waist size on one of the dresses, it really put things into perspective as far as the size 2's I just bought the other day (see below for details).

______________________________________________

And here's where I need your opinion: How big of a size difference do you guys notice between today's sizes and sizes from five years ago? In other words does a size 6 today feel like what a size 8, or even 10, was five years ago?

I'm sure many of you have heard that companies now-days are 'resizing' their clothing sizes (read here for one story of this trend) to make customers feel more comfortable and because 'obese' is becoming the norm, but I think it's ridiculous! The other month I bought a size 6 pair of jeans. Well the size 6 was getting a little loose (I think from wear rather than me getting smaller) so I decided to stop in my favorite jeans store, GAP, to try on some different sizes. I picked out several different size 4's, some in different styles and some in the exact same style since I know GAP's sizes can run all over the place. Well some fit perfectly, and everything else was too big! Not too small, TOO BIG!!! WTH?! I KNOW I'm not a size 4, let alone a size 2! And the only reason why I bought a size 2 was because they almost fit... and for me, it's not a matter of if I'll fit them, but when I fit them!

And like I was saying, yesterday I went through a lot of old clothes that I had at my parents' house. Looking at the waist of one of my prom dresses I couldn't believe how tiny it was... and I wasn't tiny in high school... I wasn't fat but I wasn't one of the thin girls. And in high school, I was wearing a size 6 - 7.

If that's the case, how am I wearing a size 4 - 6 now, eight years later and 20 lbs. heavier?

So for me, the size-changing by these companies are crazy! I understand it's a marketing move, but is making Americans believe they're a size 4 or 6, when in actuallity they're more like a size 8 - 10, healthy and good for us? Isn't this just another way to make it 'okay' for us to keep getting bigger, a.k.a another contributor to the obesity epidemic, rather than a solution? What are your thoughts and experiences?

The scale ain't nothing but a number

The other week I received a rather "amusing" email, which I have been debating to blog about. Apparently the author of the email knows me better than I know myself because they made it a point to tell me everything I'm not doing and everything I should be doing. And I quote:

"I found your blog today and I'm so sick of reading weight lost blogs that only talk about what the scale says. Why do you people obsess over it? Yah its good you lost weight but losing weight isn't only about what the scale says and there is no perfect size anyone has to be so stop wishing you would weight a certain number or fit into a certain size. It's about getting healthy and living a longer life. I noticed you're a calorie counter too. Don't even get me started on that! Instead of eating your normal 800 calories a day of junk food why don't you start eating healthy food like lettuce. Stop complaining about what the scale says!!!"

First of all, how the hell does this person think they know anything about me? Second, it's my blog and I'll complain if I want to! Yes I have a blog - a weight-loss blog - so obviously it's going to be about weight-loss. Losing weight is only part of my life; it isn't my life. I didn't waste my time writing back to this person (who I don't know) but this email struck a nerve with me. So for any other "haters" out there here is what I have to say - save your time and read this before you waste my time writing to me:

"Why do you people obsess over [what the scale says]?"
Who said anything about obsessing? I understand that many people who try to lose weight do get caught up with the numbers on the scale at first but I assure you that's not me today. I used to be that person when I started out a year ago. The number on the scale is just one way I measure my progress. You don't like it, then don't read my posts about my weigh-in's. It's that simple.

"Losing weight isn't only about what the scale says and there is no perfect size anyone has to be..."
AMEN, brother! I totally agree and couldn't emphasize this more! For me personally, the number on the scale matters because even if I was down to 20% body fat with a ton of lean muscle mass, I should still only weigh around 115 lbs. because I'm so short: 5'0" tall! My body fat % is way more important to me than any number the scale could give me but weighing myself and taking monthly measurements are the things that work for me. Because measuring body fat is a two-person job (how the hell do I measure my back and arm by myself), my PT measures my body fat monthly.

And to put it into more perspective, someone with my height and build should easily be a size 2 or smaller... what can I say... I'm suppose to be petite. So setting my goal at a size 4/6 or my weight at 125 lbs. is still way above what I should be and still totally realistic. I'm not wishing to be a certain unattainable size or weight, just healthy. Which leads me to my next point...

"It's about getting healthy and living a longer life."
Pardon my French, but no shit! I've said it before and I'll say it again: I'm not losing weight to look good in a bikini, I'm losing the weight to get healthy! **Looking good in a bikini is just a side-effect!** I do both cardio and weights. Cardio is made up of runs, HIIT sessions, elliptical sessions, and the step-mill. Weights vary depending on what I feel like working but it will always consists of a full body workout. And I'm not talking 'lil pink "girlie" dumbbells either. I'm talking muscle failure at 8 - 10 reps, 15 lbs. curls, 70+ lbs. squats, 20 lbs. rows, plyometrics, weighted ab workouts, and perfect form REGULAR push-ups! None of this "on the knee" crap. Of course I started out using the 'girlie' dumbbells and doing push-ups on my knees - nothing wrong with that! - but it pisses me off when people think that's how I work out now. I'm just saying...

"... you're a calorie counter too. Don't even get me started on that!"
WTF is that even suppose to mean? The best of the best count calories and I have come to believe that tracking what you eat is just as important as exercising. Nutrition counts for 80% of the work if I want the results I want! I don't just want to lose weight, I want to be lean and toned out!

"Instead of eating your normal 800 calories a day of junk food why don't you start eating healthy food like lettuce."
SERIOUSLY?! What makes this person even think I eat junk food?!?!?! Besides my occasional ice cream indulgence, I think I eat pretty fricken good. Here is a typical week's worth of food:

Now I realize I didn't have to justify myself to the author of the email, or to anyone, but it was something I wanted to put out there for anyone else who was wondering about my intentions to lose weight.

I have spent countless hours reading up on fitness and nutrition not because I'm obsessed with it but because I'm interested in it and I literally have a thirst to learn as much as I can. I've come a hell of a long way from my beginnings and I am no longer what your typical "dieter" is. I don't just cut out sugar from my diet or do low carb or no fat or the lemonade cleanse or whatever. Instead, I've learned what a well-balanced diet of lean proteins, essential fats, and complex carbs can do for your body. Watch the sugar, salt, oil, and saturated fat in your diet; up the fiber, protein, and water intake and you've got yourself a winning combination. Of course there are things I don't know yet and I don't consider myself an expert in any sense but I feel good with what I'm doing and where I'm at right now. This isn't just a life-style change but a learning experience.

And even though I only have 'Weigh-in Wednesdays' and not 'Body Fat Tuesdays' or 'Waist-measurment Fridays', I am all about the health and fitness, not just about the weight. So before you get on your soap-box and judge me take the time to get to know me first. OR to make it easier on everyone, just stop being STUPID!**

**Ranting for the week is over! It's Friday... YAY!!!

I'm no beginner anymore

Over the weekend I went back in time... sorta.

I spent my Sunday morning rereading my blog from start to finish. What an exhausting journey! The one thing I found constant throughout my posts was the fact that when I talk about fitness, I talk about myself as a beginner - someone just starting to workout. Even though the intensity, amount, length and type of workouts have increased with my posts, my reaction to my progress is still the same. I make it sound like I've accomplished so much by doing so little! Like my celebration about running up a one-mile hill.

"Hello! You've run a 13K almost a year ago, you should be
celebrating much harder fetes than a one-mile hill!!"

Well I'm no beginner but I'm no athlete yet either... or am I? I still see myself as the "fat girl" who could only walk for exercise...

Not someone who can hike non-stop-in-less-than-30-minutes up a mountain made of stairs!
Not someone who can do plyometric workouts with the best of them!
Not someone who does a boot-camp at the gym and remains the last one standing in my group!
Not even someone who looks forward to working out everyday!

But I need to keep telling myself that I am that someone!! I actually do look forward to my daily workouts!

I am no longer a beginner at this stuff called fitness and I need to stop acting like I am. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not anywhere near elite athlete status or anything, but I can't be celebrating the small stuff anymore.

• 50 minutes on the stepmill? That's not something to celebrate for me! I should be celebrating two hours!
• Running seven miles? Nothing! I did eight miles almost a year ago! Where's the celebration in doing less miles than what I did several months ago?
• Hiking up a really tough mountain? Doesn't really count because I've done it over 6x already!

I always hear talk about how people who lose weight still think of themselves as fat and this is exactly what I'm going through except on the fitness side. During my personal trainer sessions, whenever my PT tells me to move faster or longer on an agility/cardio exercise, I always doubt myself because I have the mindset of a beginner. This is holding me back!!! Again my mindset is holding me back!

So for the next several workouts I do, I'm gonna think differently, reminding myself that I am not a beginner - in fact, far from it! Hopefully this will allow me to push myself

H.A.R.D.E.R. FA.S.T.E.R. S.T.R.O.N.G.E.R. F.A.R.T.H.E.R.

Positive Thinking: Friend or Foe

After a nice long weekend I think I've discovered why I've been in such a nutrition/fitness rut...

I did some soul searching - okay, wait a minute - this isn't some kind of "leave civilization and do nothing but meditate in a cave" type of soul searching... just your good old, "take a break from EVERYTHING for an hour or two and watch traffic go by" type of searching. Anyway, I think the reason why I'm stuck is because I don't believe I'll ever get to my goal weight... my goal body... my goal level of fitness... basically any of my goals.

WHY? I don't know!!!!

I have this doubt in my mind that blocks off any possibility of me seeing myself as I really want to. A lot of people talk about the power of positive thinking - I think I just saw a story on CNN the other week that some couple lost over 300+ lbs. by praying! - and I'm wondering if this is holding me back. And if it is, how do I overcome this doubt?

I feel like because I don't believe I can hit my goal, I've loosened up on my nutrition and possibly my fitness too, keeping me at maintenance rather than losing. It's difficult to get motivated when it's so hard to see the finish line.

So getting back to this thing called positive thinking... one of the first 'diet' books I read was The Beck Diet Solution by Judith S. Beck. It talked about how thinking like a thin person can have more of an affect on your weight-loss than actual diet and nutrition (just on a side note, I didn't care for the book). I'm just using this as an example because a lot of people seem to like the book because it's worked for them. I do believe that positive thinking and believing in yourself will get you farther but like everything else, it's always easier said than done.

On the flipside, positive-thinking might be the thing that's stalling me! On one of my post a while back, my friend Jay made a comment:

1) Are you regularly thinking that you are looking pretty good?

2) Are you really proud of how far you've come?

3) Have you ever thought (even for a second) that if you stayed at this weight you'd still look pretty good.

4) Have the compliments been enough to make you think you can relax a little bit?

5) Any other things that may be stalling you in your progress?

6) Are you scared of the girl you will become when you shed the next 20 pounds?

7) Do you have the time to inspire others, help others, time for the adoration?

8) Because those next 20 pounds are going to put you at Rock Star status and may bring more recognition than you are ready to deal with?

9) Each layer of fat carries emotions that we are all either ready to get rid of or not.

In her comment, Jay was addressing the fact that sometimes we might get too comfortable with where we're at and therefore slack off a little because we're happy with the results so far. Don't get me wrong, I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I think this hits home for me.

Why strive for the 100-mile mark when the 50-mile mark is still an amazing accomplishment?

As a species, we humans are extremely optimistic and ambitious, but even more than that, we are extremely lazy. We're always looking for the shortest way to gratification and sometimes that leads us to stopping short of our goals. I'll be the first to admit that I'm guilty of at two or three of the questions above and this is probably what's holding me back. Yes, I'm proud of myself. Yes, I'm thinking I'm looking better (not looking good, just better). Yes, I've thought that I'd be happy if I stayed at my current weight considering where I started from. And maybe all these things have put a halt in my progress.

I need to keep in mind that I haven't reached my goals yet and I need to work just as hard, if not harder, to keep moving in the right direction. Hopeful... that's what I'll do from now.

Motivational Mondays: Crazy Guy on the Treadmill

So I went to the gym yesterday and decided to end my cardio session by doing some interval training on the treadmill. I thought I'd push myself to a higher level of endurance and intensity by upping the level, incline, and time. I normally do a 1:2 interval ration: 1 minute of "rest" at level 3 and no incline, and 2 minutes of "intensity" at level 5.8 and incline 2.

But I was totally feeling the vibe of the gym so decided to do 2:4 intervals; 2 minutes of "rest" at level 3 and incline 2, and 4 minutes of intensity at level 5.8 and incline 3.5.

I was halfway through my 30 minutes when this guy gets on the treadmill next to me.

He starts out at a brisk walk but within 5 minutes, he was PUSHING himself!!

He would full on sprint at some ridiculous two-digit level for a minute or two, then slam on the big red "STOP" button on the machine (presumable so he wouldn't fly off the treadmill), then walk it for two minutes and repeat the madness.

Besides keeping me distracted and not thinking about how much time I had left on the treadmill, he was actually a really good source of motivation. I figured if this crazy guy can sprint it full speed, I can definitely push myself to do the 4 minutes of jogging. Anyway I finished off my 30 minutes on the treadmill soaked in sweat, heart pumping, and feeling awesome. That was definitely the most intense cardio workout I have done in a L-O-N-G time!

So thank you, Crazy Guy on the treadmill... you allowed me to push beyond my comfort zone and burn a few extra calories!

Silly dog!

So I FINALLY went through my pictures on my camera and came across this pict. It was taken back in April as my "Day 0" for P90X so there was no way in hell I was going to post it on my blog, but check out my dog!

Not sure what she's doing, but it looks like she's trying to look at whatever it is I'm looking at (which would be my closet door)!

It's hilarious!

I couldn't have posed her like that if I wanted to!

Silly dog!

Warning: Big Head Coming Through!

There should be some type of warning for people who have decided to change their lives when they "reenter" the real world.

When I say "change their lives" I mean start exercising, start eating healthy, and/or start losing weight.

When I say "reenter the real world" I mean getting back to the non-healthy eating, non-exercising, weight-gaining type of people.

The other week I blogged about how great Facebook (FB) was as a new weight-loss tool, but I forgot that if it's too good to be true... then it's too good to be true. I got served a really good dose of reality by a "friend" on FB. I use the term "friend" loosely because that's all you can call people on FB. Anyway, this "friend" found his way over to my blog and then decided to get back on FB and post to everyone how disgusted he was with "people who love themselves too much".

Do I love myself too much?!?!?!?!

I doubt it! It's taken me so long to just like myself again!

I am DAMN proud of myself for losing weight (as anyone who makes this life-style change should be) and maybe this proudness has come of as arrogance. This blog is a place for me to write about my experiences, emotions, progress, set-backs... pretty much anything I want to. If someone finds there way here and decides to follow my blog, that's their choice (and one I appreciate!), but when someone finds there way here and then starts talking sh*t, that pisses me off.

This "friend" came to me to ask me questions about my weight-loss... I didn't find them and brag to them about what I'm doing. I wish they would have thought about how much hard work I have done and maybe realized this blog is not about being "in love with myself". This friend has been trying to lose weight for a couple of months now, so even more so they should realize how difficult it can be.

I'm here to help anyone who asks for help and hopefully inspire others to either start this journey for themselves or keep on going when they hit a rough spot.

As far as how I feel after this "friend" did this to me... well, even more motivated to keep pushing myself to lose the weight. So thank you, "friend", for that!