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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Who gives a crap?!

So... remember last week when I said I was going to be back over the weekend to update everyone about what I've been doing?

FAIL!

This weekend I was busy and barely had time to get on the computer so that's my excuse for no update.  As far as being M.I.A. this month... that's a different story.  I was trying to stay busy - mentally and physically - and not think about anything related to weight-loss.  Well it's been working... sorta.

The good news: Although I'm out of the 120's and back in the 130's, I've been maintaining low 130-status for the entire month of June and that's with low-intensity workouts (Insanity gets thrown in every so often for a change) and not being crazy strict about my nutrition.  I haven't counted a single calorie since May and instead of putting all my focus on eating this much protein, this much carbs, and this much fat, I just ate.  ANYTHING! Focusing on portion control was the most important thing to me and it worked well.

The bad news: I just don't care anymore!  I don't know what it is, if I've hit some type of wall, but I just don't care about this "life-style change".  I'm not completely happy with my body but looking back at where I started from... I'll take it damn it!  I've lost 25% of my starting weight... a fricken quarter of myself... which comes out to almost 45 lbs.  45 lbs. is a pretty big deal!

Like I said, I'm not 100% happy with myself, but I'm sick of making exercise and proper nutrition my LIFE!  Not just sick... SSSSOOOOOOOO  SICK!

I'm sick of waking up every morning and feeling anxiety about making today a good day.
I'm sick of looking at everything that goes in my mouth as good or evil. 
I'm sick of seeing lists of things I can/cannot do to be healthy.
I'm sick of talking about weight-loss.
I'm sick of writing about weight-loss.
I'm sick of reading about weight-loss.
I'm sick of feeling like shit for not reaching my goals!
I'm sick of stressing about who I'm becoming with these compulsive natures!

I can't even remember who I was before starting to lose weight!
What did I talk about?
What did I think about?
What did I do before all this started?

Besides the obvious answers to the last question (some obvious answers: eat like a pig, sit on my ass all day, not give a damn about how I looked or felt) I seriously can't remember what my life was like pre-life-style change.  How sad is that?

Don't take this post the wrong way... it's not a pity post and I'm not giving up in any way, shape or form, but something needs to change.  I'm beginning to resent food, exercise, and people who have reached and surpassed their health goals.  To tell you the truth, even the bogs I follow are losing their inspiration NOT because the people writing them are not inspiring (OMG they are!) but because I'm losing my motivation for this whole thing.  Something needs to change... and quickly, too!

13 comments:

MB said...

Something is changing and it's you. I hope you get to a point where you will stop looking at food as good or evil and just be able to live your life and be healthy and happy.

Susan (All Things In Moderation0 said...

I can totally understand where your coming from. I feel that way sometimes. I try to give myself days where I am more flexible with eating and tracking, and also days when I am just a lazy slob who lays on the couch in my PJ's all day and watches crappy TV! For some reason, that helps me.

The one thing I learned early on was not to make ANY food completely off limits. Once I did that, everything became all the less painful. Granted, I don't eat as much of the not so healthy stuff as I used to ....... but I still eat it. For me it is a matter of survival!

Maybe a little break is a good thing for you. It may help you gain some perspective.

Whatever you decide is best for you, never forget the how far you've come already! It's definitely something you should be really proud of! Good luck in figuring it all out!

Chris said...

Hey my friend I know what you mean, been there. I was starting to get to that point again too re: food which is what led me to the primal blueprint. I like the fact that I don't have to worry about portion size or logging my calories (oh I so hate logging, logging, logging what I eat and how much exercise) now I just stick to an allowed food list (which is pretty damn good) and don't feel I need to focus so much on having a good or bad day!

Talk to me on FB!

Kelli @ From Bulge To Bikini said...

I hear ya girl! I have been in that mode for a few months now. I still want to finish losing the weight (50 gone so far but 40 to go) but I'm just over it! It's annoying, time cosuming, and damn frustrating that it has to be such a huge focus in my life! If you find the magic answer...let me know!

Annalisa201 said...

I'm with Kelli - and with you. I've taken a while, a few weeks to monitor myself and my thinking, contemplating what the hell do I want out of this besides a flatter tummy... Nope. That's it. A flatter tummy. But I do feel better when I exercise, that's the truth. And when I feel better in my body, I have a better day and so does my family... Long story short, I figured out that I DO want to lose it, and I am now ready to quit putting it off. And South Beach Diet is where I'm headed now... I need something completely new. Hope this works! But let me tell you, it's a mental thing I had to figure out. I don't think we can do this weight-loss thing if we're not in the right head space, ya know? And NOW I am ready. Thank God. It's about friggin time!

Good luck Annie. Take your time, hurry up, the choice is yours don't be late.... oh, sorry, broke out into a Nirvana song. Hehehe I love ya girl. Try to Be happy, cuz in the end, that's what truly counts :)

L.A. Daze said...

I applaud you for sticking with it for so long! It's okay to give yourself a little break and see how your body reacts to it.

I counted my calories and tracked my exercise for 2 weeks, and I got so fed up with it. I didn't even want to think about food because I wasn't looking forward to eating some bland brown rice with lean protein and veggies dish. I'm mad that I can't eat the way I used to and not gain weight. I hate obsessing over calories in a dish that I didn't put together. Or counting how many calories there are in 5 baby carrots and 10 string beans. It's not a way to live at all.

I say enjoy yourself, and eat everything in moderation.

Deb said...

I want to tell you to take a break if you need it. But every time I took a break I ended up heavier than when I started. My two week break ended up 2 years and before I knew it I was over 200 lbs. :( I don't want that to happen to you. Maybe you could talk a break from writing/talking/reading/living for weight loss. What about all the other things in your life?

Natalie said...

First of all, congratulations to you for losing 45 lbs! That is an amazing accomplishment and you have so much to be proud of. I think what you need to evaluate is whether or not you are truly happy with this weight. If this is a weight where you feel comfortable and confident, then maybe you should take a little "break"..start more of a maintenance program. You could even take some days off from exercising and when it comes to food, simply listen to your body.. test it and see what it's truly craving. I think Deb's previous post also made a great point - perhaps take a break from all things weight loss and focus on something else - and make it something that brings you joy. I completely understand what you are going through though. I lost some weight, felt wonderful, then regained some of it due to poor choices and a low thyroid. It was almost like my brain shut down for a few months and didn't want ANYTHING to do with weight loss. I am trying to get myself back on track though and it's been quite a struggle regaining that mental discpline. I wish you much luck. I am sure you will be fine!!

stefanie said...

It sucks like a vacuum to be in this place you're in. People always think that if you're an avid exerciser or watch what you eat that you're just really healthy and say things like "wow, so many Americans just don't get that you need to take care of yourself--way to go!" They don't think it could ever be an obsession (or even an addiction!), but you know what--it really can be. I'm not saying it is for you; it's just that for me there has been a fine line between the way I'm thinking about food, weight, and exercise and the way (I would guess) an alcoholic feels about booze. Or the way someone who is OCD thinks about washing his/her hands or whatever. IT CAN RUN YOUR LIFE. And at that point, it ain't really healthy, is it?

Not to be handin' out the as$vice, but something that helped me recently was to look at what "problem" in my life this food thing is trying to solve and how it makes me feel. Because IMHO, IT IS (almost) NEVER ABOUT THE FOOD. For me, it's about my self-confidence and a sense of control (I may have no control over my b!tchy co-worker, but I COULD TOTALLY KICK HER BUTT NOW).

If you're sick of food being your outlet and you want to actually love it again, maybe there are ways you can address the deep-down reasons that don't have anything to do with food? (I haven't really found them, but at least now I'm obsessing about exercise, which for me is a nice change. Baby steps and all that). You are (from what I read) a funny, lovely, and bright woman with a heap of self-discipline an incredible ability to focus. You can use those gifts however you want. Put your laser-like attention on loving yourself (one of my fave writers says to treat yourself the way you would treat an elderly aunt. You'd never verbally abuse them or deny THEM treats, right?). Start writing down stuff you LIKE about yourself (and, maybe, food) or things you're grateful for, or other Life Goals you have. Maybe that will take the edge off?

Gah. I sound preachy and long-winded and know-it-all and I assure that usually, I am not such a tool. But I have been where you are (and visit that place frequently), and it blows.

So go on witcho bad self.

Beth @ fatbustermack said...

That has been such a thing for me, I'm so SICK of just being about weightloss (too bad I'm no where close to a healthy weight...I just want to be a more well rounded person than just someone focused on counting calories all the time... I need to suck it up and get back into it because I like who I am more then.

Kate said...

I can so relate to exactly what you said. Relate so well that after I quit GAG 2009 where we briefly met;I went on to gain 25 lbs. I finally pulled in the reins at 186 and have lost 10 of the 25.

I have no answer to your issues of "who was I before?", but I'll share this:

Some people who are "naturally skinny" pay attention to how their clothes fit and eat less the very day their pants feel tight. They do not think "well I've blown it so I may as well eat everything in sight and I'll start a new diet on Monday". They think - "My pants are tight, so I'll eat less food until they fit better".

So while you are figuring it out, try no to lose ground like I did. Good luck!

Kate (AZKATE)

jen and grant said...

hi there,

i'm new to your blog but i'm also 5ft tall and have weight issues.

i dont think that living like this is a way of living... i.e. CONSTANTLY thinking about food and logging for the rest of our lives... its just not practical. i realized that skinny people do NOT live like this. its about forming different and reasonable habits and when things start to slip, getting back on track by counting calories etc... but just as a temporary thing. i really liked bethany frankel's book "naturally thin". maybe it will help you too :)

Feral Female said...

I'm sad that I didn't read this post 'til now. All I can say is a huge WELL DONE for how far you've come in this time, you've done SO well. I start feeling like this when I'm just a week into anything, suddenly I start loving the 'curves' again. Anyhoo, I wanted to ask if you look at yourself now, and you're happy, because you look amazing now, and you're even slimmer than me (I'm 139 pounds).

I've started exercising and watching my calories, and I don't think I can do this forever.

What you need to do is to balance yourself, I'm sure you've heard it all before, but yes, you are right, you have focused a lot of weight, weight, weight, and you have to focus on food, so that you don't rely on it. It's crazy, but there is no easy answer, you just have to know your goals.

Sometimes you lose the weight and feel, what's the big deal, I don't even feel all that good, but then what could help is seeing if you're a lot healthier now, and less at risk, if this isn't the case, I would honestly begin immediately, trying to figure out what I am trying to deceive myself into believing. Is it that I want to be skinny just to be like everyone else, is it that I let myself go and I'm embarassed because of what other people used to know me as compared to now, or is it because I genuinely believe I deserve better and that this is what is in line with my destiny and future.

I'm not unhealthy, I am overweight, but if you looked at me you wouldn't think so, I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get fed up with food.

One thing I did notice was in my first year of university, I lost a stone without too much, I had friends who loved to gym, and rotated them whenever they got tired, I was meeting new people so it was a great excuse, secondly, I had several crushes, and then a boyfriend, so I spent more time flirting and less time eating, food just became boring. Right now, I'm stuck indoors, job searching and food is oh so tempting.

I feel I'm rambling, so in short, you know you can achieve anything you want, and never give up, if you ever fall, know that you are strong enough to pick yourself up and start again, even if you give it a rest for a while, if you slip back, knowing and confirming that you definitely don't want to continue slipping will be the motivation needed, and before you know it, you'll be there.

I'm annoyed, this is my 3rd week of exercising and being more conscious of my food, and I am supposedly averagigng 1200 - 1600 calories each day, but I look at my body, my tummy is not as bloated - that's it!!!