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Friday, February 18, 2011

F.A.I.L.U.R.E

I find myself once again struggling with this journey.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why this time around it's so hard to do. I know the system - eating right and exercising - works and I know how to do it AND I've done it before.  I have all the resources and time I need to get it done - yet I just cannot get myself motivated like I was before.

For me the hardest part is controlling the eating.  All day I'm on track but once I get home it all goes to hell!  I keep telling myself the same thing almost every afternoon:

"I'll really start watching my nutrition tomorrow.  Today I'll enjoy this piece of cake now and pizza for dinner since I won't be seeing that kind of food for a while."

Saying and doing this every afternoon keeps the weight on even with exercise because it basically undoes all the "good work" I've done in the beginning of the day.  I've been getting really frustrated and upset with myself so I really want to figure out why I act like this.  You know how you gain all these positive things when you lose weight - self-confidence, happiness, determination, success - well you lose them all when you gain the weight back.  So this is definitely part of the problem. And I think another part of it is because I feel like a failure.

Pun intended!

Because I lost the weight once and was able to maintain it, I feel like a complete failure that I've gained back half of it.  Yeah, it's better than having gained back all + some, but I can't get my mind around the fact that I failed.
Failed at something I was so passionate about.  
Failed at something I thought was a permanent lifestyle change.  
Failed at becoming healthier.
Failed at something I knew I deserved.
It's been almost two months since I knew about my class reunion this summer and I haven't lost a single pound.  How do I get around this "failed" mind-set?!

A post I wrote almost a year and a half ago sums it up nicely.  And now I'm living it:

My greatest fear is becoming who I was at my heaviest weight.

Unhappy
Unhealthy
Unfit
Unattractive
I've been there, done that, so to go back to something I hated will only make it ten times worse. Imagine being in the darkest, scariest place you can think of. Imagine working hard everyday to get yourself out of that hellhole and how happy you are to finally be out. Now imagine you (and only you!) willingly let yourself walk through the door back into that dark place... not because you want to go back, but because you choose to go back. How do you feel?

EXACTLY!

I've worked my tail off to get healthy again and if I let myself go back to who I was, it'll make me feel even worse!

10 comments:

Maxine said...

Hi Annie,
We all have the fear of going back to our heaviest weight. Don<t be so hard on yourself and use the word "fail". Maybe you haven't found what is "right" for you?
I know you have the blog, but have you thought of joining a support group with weekly meetings? That was very helpful for my friend.
Rather than focusing on the weight part, is there something you can train for where eating healthy is crucial?
PS I like the new blog. The egg muffins are a great idea.

Amelia said...

Motivation is a struggle for me too. Like you, i workout hard and eat right all day then the end of the day bites me in the butt. The only thing I can say is practice makes perfect. You will get tired of the back and forth struggle and just do it with no excuses. Good Luck

Heather said...

I know exactly how your feeling!! In August I started my change and I lost 20lbs in 3 months with the help of a good friend/trainer and then I had a shoulder issue and was told I needed to lay off working out for 2 weeks that 2 weeks was my utter downfall.. I ate badly couldnt work out well the pounds slowly added on and then after 2 weeks I tried to get back into it and my shoulder flared up again another 2 weeks out.. basically I gained back the 20lbs plus another 6lbs and I felt like a failure I couldnt face my trainer again(still afriad to see her) I dont want her to know I failed her and let all her time and effort she gave me get wasted. So I still dont know how to get out of this funk but it will happen its all will power. Im facing her tonight for the first time to get over it. so it is hard but its all in our heads!

Lisa said...

honestly, 97% of the population struggles with the same thing so don't be so hard on yourself! It could be much worse. you could be as fat as me and have even more to lose. Just don't give up. Never give up.

Chris Davis said...

Annie I know how you feel; same for me right now.

I get a few great days in then blamo motivation seems to go out the window. :( Just keep doing little things, I know how you say I'll just have this piece of pizza tonight and then tomorrow start but why not say starting now? Or if you can't do that have a smaller portion or don't have dessert or give up that coke with the pizza? The little things compounded make the difference going cold turkey is always hard. (I've given up trying to go that route). Sometimes finding substitutions (healthier ones) help too. Try the coconut cupcakes recipe I sent you I think they are better than any cake that would be loaded with sugar. :)

The Project Author said...

Seriously, girl...quit buying the sh*t or having it laying around the house! If it's not there, you can't eat it. At this point, you have probaby created more of a bad habit than a failure. I also think it may be passive self-sabotage, which I am infamous for...working so hard, almost achieving your goal, then blowing it up for no real good reason. Are you scared? Are you bored? I let all sorts of bad eating habits creep in, when I'm bored with what I'm eating, so I pull some new recipes or try a new dressing...recently it's been testing out some vegan products or adding beans to salads. Like someone said, change up your routine by committing to some races that require a training schedule like a triathlon or half-marathon...with the training you'll have to put in, your eating will have to be more spot on to handle the wkts, and you may find sprinkling in more protein via shakes or milk or yogurts will spice up your menu. There's a lot you can do to get this back on track, unless you sit and cry about some more and keep right on with the splurging and treating. Revamp your habits and move on...it's not a sprint (not even for a reunion) but rather a lifelong effort...you've got this!

Amanda said...

Boy are you and I ever seeing eye to eye, Annie. I'd yo yo'd my whole life up until about a year and a half ago, and then I met the love of my life and was so happy I hit the lowest and most comfortable weight I ever had. I started eating 3 healthy meals a day (I used to skip dinner because I was so brilliant - eesh) and I maintained it for almost a year, and I felt GREAT! NORMAL! IN CONTROL! Even though I've only gained about 15 lbs back, I don't fit into most of my clothes and I haven't been in control for a while. It sucks. I am just now starting to feel like somehow I am turning the corner mentally again. I'm not sure why, but I'll take it.

Just remember every day is a new day and feeling utterly defeated one day can be totally transformed the next day. You are doing so much right, don't let the slips get to you. Just keep at it and remind yourself how much you are doing RIGHT! You will get there again, that familiar and wonderful place, I know it.

Have a great weekend and don't give up!

Amanda said...

Sorry I'm the comment queen today but this just popped into my head after my last comment - nighttime has always been the hardest part of the day for me as well (and I think for a good number of all of us), and something that I discovered really helps me is if I'm feeling that out of control snack urge, I actually go prepare something healthy in the kitchen for a future date. Sounds crazy, but I think maybe it is because it focuses me on a task for a while, and by cooking something healthy, whether it be a healthied up quick bread, chopping and roasting some veggies, cutting up fruit salad (these are all methodical and my go tos) it re-focuses me on the joys of healthy food, gets my mind away from whatever temptation I was obsessing over, and makes me feel more like the daytime, in control me. I don't know if that made any sense at all :-) Take it for what it's worth, but it has saved me from countless binge nights.
You can do it!

Hannah Banana said...

Hey there - I'm new to comment but wanted to write. I second whoever wrote above about suggesting if you are bored? Eating right, exercising... it's a forever thing for us (by the way, I'm a shortee too and it's so damn hard to stay 'optimum' weight because every darn pound shows on my short stature)... and this forever thing can sometimes just get a bit much. I reckon, if you go hard 6 days out of the week and have ONE FULL CHEAT day, it will do loads to your motivation. All week you can say "man, I can't wait to have that burger" on Sunday and it spurs you on. Often on the cheat day, you don't ear nearly the amount you think you are going to. It gives you that freedom to satisfy food needs but keeps you accountable during the week...

You're not a failure. You're just struggling to find ya mojo. You'll find it and then you'll be on fire.

Annalisa201 said...

LOVE that advice Amanda. I will try that one this week - preparing healthy snacks/meals for future date in the evening. I can get stuck in the kitchen and end up eating 1000's of extra calories for no reason other than I love to cook and love food and love my kitchen... GREAT idea. All the other advice is spot on too. You WILL... ahem... WE WILL find our motivation, just never never ever give up, in the words of my 3-year old Gracie: Pinky Promise!!!